Under a Little Umbrella

Buying things that I want is something I enjoy a lot last time.  Not that it’s any different now, only, since I started working, am beginning to understand the value of things.  I don’t have financial freedom, financial problems aren’t that much either, but it is still a problem.  What I want can be ignored, reluctantly.  Issue arises in what I need. 

So, I was introduced to online shopping not too long ago.  Couldn’t find certain things where I live.  Not surprisingly, those things still exists elsewhere, either through auctions or online shops.  I signed up for all those necessary memberships to get things started.  My fwen told me I’d get addicted.  In a way, he was right. 

I’ve bought a few things.  Some are hard to find here, while some are actually new and not here yet.  OK, don’t mind spending more on the former, but I’ll admit my mistakes on the latter.  In this, patience can really save a lot, financially.  Still, what’s done is done.  Problem is, there really are certain things that can be bought here and now.  Yet, I’d rather order them online and wait for a few weeks to get them, even when the price doesn’t differ much.  Yes, I’m really that lazy to go out. 

Luckily, I don’t buy everything online.  Certain things require direct inspection before purchase.  So, looking at it in such perspective, it’s not too bad, knowing that there is always that extra option. 

It’s also that time of the year where one’s will is greatly tested, depending on the practices of each individual, of course.  Previously, I’d be going out a lot, searching for things which I hope someone would like.  Now, I surf online for things that I like.  LOL

So, what is freedom?  Well, ‘Freedom’ is the name of the protagonist Gundam in the anime series Mobile Suit Gundam SEED.  Hahaha.  Hey, it’s true.  :p

Ok, fiction aside, freedom varies for different people.  However, I find that most share the same definition, which is in terms of financial freedom.  I’ve asked a few, and their reply are more or less along this line.  Nothing peculiar about it, as that is a very realistic and understandable goal.  To have the capacity to pursue personal interests while not having to worry about other aspects in life, who wouldn’t want that?  A tough thing to achieve though, but definitely not an impossible one. 

Having said that, my definition is obviously different.  It is easier to achieve, but something most that I know won’t go for.  Well, I’m not really an outgoing person, so, small wonder that my thinking is conservative.  Still, for now, these are how things will remain. 

I have my own way of doing things, which aren’t exactly right, but what I feel are right.  When fwens need suggestions, I’ll also advise the same thing.  The reason is simple.  Everyone has the freedom to decide how they want things to turn out.  Who am I to say that everything must go how I want them to?  When there are clashes of opinions, win-win situations aren’t impossible, but there are times when some things got to give.  In such scenarios, one can only hope for the best, while also be ready to accept the worse.  It’s something I learned from a book and a song: when you open your heart for love and affection, you must also open it for tears and rejection.  It’s something I find difficult, but also something I find true. 

With the new year rapidly approaching, reflections of my current year has been filling my thoughts.  As usual, a lot has happened, and as usual, one incident saddens me deeply.  It was a result of my own doing.  Not exactly how I want things to work out, but it was a foreseeable outcome.  No complains about that.  I don’t see this sadness receding any time soon.  May just have to live with it for the rest of my life. 

Having something else that requires my immediate attention helps somewhat.  The good thing about all these other things that I need to focus on are that I enjoy doing them.  Some are troublesome and hectic.  There exist costly ones too.  Well, it is that time of the year.  So, I think that is an acceptable, if not practical, reasoning.  Also, I feel it’s the right thing to do. 

I had a dream that day.  It’s more like a nightmare, really.  The funny thing is, my idea of a nightmare is different, a lot more different than those conventional ones.  No demons, monsters or ghosts, but of familiar faces, and even more familiar faces.  There were times when I forgot my dreams.  Try as I might, they were just like the wind, can be felt but can never grasp.  Unfortunately, this one remained as clear as a bright, sunny day.  Do wonder if that’s a good thing…  As to my judgment of it, definitely a bad thing.

Another funny thing.  Got hooked to a new song recently, again.  It’s actually an old song, released in 2004.  Came across it out of… curiosity.  Found it on a site somewhere, and researched on it, as I never heard of anyone talking about this song despite the really very popular singer.  Guess there’s not much of a surprise in that.  My preferences are always questionable.  So, what of this that’s in my head now?  From the title, it seemed like a happy song.  Yet, the music alone reflects otherwise.  Doesn’t matter if I don’t understand the song entirely.  Like I said, the music was enough portray the… sorrow.  It’s title?  "誰かの願いが叶うころ"

I wonder how many knows of the joke I made regarding the rain.  On a good weather, when it rains all of a sudden, that means that someone did something that he or she doesn’t usually do.  Forget the monsoon season.  A strange example happened during my uni years.  If I’m not mistaken, it was only during the last trimester that I came up with this nonsense.  My fwens witnessed it as well.  I told them that it rains when I study.  Really, I don’t watch TV then, so I don’t know the weather report.  Happened once, coincidence.  Twice, still normal.  Thrice, not much out of the ordinary.  More after that, starting to get a little unsettling. 

At one time, I told my fwen that I was about to study, and he told me not to invite the rain.  All I did was open my book, and the skies darkened.  I stopped, and mentioned to my fwens that I’m really not that influential as to affect the weather.  My other fwen was laughing as well.  So, I did not study that day, and it did not rain.  I studied the next day, and it rained.  It’s not just me, really, it happened to my fwen as well.  I brought that ‘theory’ back with me.  It happens less now.  :p

Nothing
has changed here, not much that I’m aware of, anyway.  Where I thought
to have gained some weight, I’ve actually loss some along the way.
Don’t ask me how that happened.  It just did.  My daily routine are
pretty much the same, only increased a little time spent on playing
games.  With an NDS, that can’t be helped.  Halted on the anime, but
watched some movies, some very old movies.  Shed some tears as well.  Ran out of SD Gundams to
assemble, yet 0% progress my 2 MG models.  Bought a number of novels
during my recent trip to KL, still, more focus on my old unread manga.  Do realize that I’ve a number of things to do recently.  Luckily, I have the time to accomplish them.  Problem is in managing the time to get them done.  Well, it’s actually pretty simple.  Back to the basics : one thing at a time. 

Watched ‘Heroes’?  Interesting, isn’t it?  Ordinary people having extraordinary gifts.  Who wouldn’t want that?  Still, doesn’t make life any easeir now, does it? 

I wonder how many know of this 1 graphic novel entitled ‘Powerless’ by Marvel Comics.  It tells stories of how the heroes, as we know them, might turn out to be if they are without their powers.  Examples?  Peter Parker aka Spider-man ended up with an infection of his arm instead of having super powers from being bitten by a radioactive spider; Matt Murdock aka Daredevil being blind since birth instead of being exposed to toxic waste.  Yes, it is a work of fiction, but interesting enough for me to purchase it. 

I find it an inspiring work.  It’s similar to watching movies of ordinary people doing extraordinary things, but I prefer to read this.  No reasons in particular, just a personal preference. 

I believe in sayings like, ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’, ‘there’s always an option’, and others like that.  In certain things, the sky isn’t the limit, right?  Still, to be human, sometimes, I have to accept that I am powerless. 

I haven’t been straight-forward, but take this as my way of an apology.  I’m not sure if she reads my blog, but if she does, I trust she knows that this is meant for her.  Why not just tell her directly?  It’s my way of doing things. 

I guess, what I’m trying to say is, "めんね,おれは聞こえないよあなたの心"

I’d like to thank a fwen, for showing me what a mess I’m in.  Don’t worry, it’s nothing much.  Still, it is a mess.  Ok, I have an excuse.  Even though I know that it’s really my fault in the first place, I will still need to explain my reasons.  Well, not that it will change anything, but somehow, I think it’s necessary. 

So, here’s how it is.  Sometime back, I told a friend something, to which I did specifically tell her not to tell another.  Unfortunately, things don’t always work out the way I want them to.  Again, it really isn’t that big an issue.  After all, I did similar things before.  It’s only when it happened to me that I realize the implications.  Oh, so, that’s how it feels like to lose that trust.  No forgiveness for all my past actions, but it’s never too late to learn, right? 

It’s ‘cos of such a scenario that I’m telling less of my personal things now.  I know that, in the long run, it isn’t good, but for now, that’s how I’ll do things.  Then, since I tell less, people get bits and pieces of these personal things of mine.  Yes, no one that I know of knows entirely of the problems I have at the moment. 

Now, about that mess my fwen showed me, she was right, only, it’s of a different kind.  Similar, but still different.  Like I said earlier, doesn’t distinguish the fact that it’s still a mess.  Why not tell her the entire story?  The ‘trust’ issue. 

There’s a reason why I like this 1 chinese song, entitled 路人甲.  My chinese really isn’t that good, but I can roughly understand the general idea that the lyrics are portraying.  Interesting concept.

I wonder how many knows of the 四方的太阳.  Hey, generally, guys are only bothered by 2 things.  Not that hard to figure out, eh?  In certain fictional worlds, a glass of 忘情水 solves all love problems.  If only reality is also that simple…

Familiar with that word?  Well, basically, it’s a work of fiction written by fans of… whatever it is that they are fans of.  It can be of heroes, athletes, artistes, and the like.  Roughly, it’s about making things go your way.  I was never really into this form of writing.  Somehow, it doesn’t seem as attractive, as I feel that it might… damage the works of the original. 

Now, through online, I came across two works that somewhat interests me.  One of them is an attempt of a novelization of my favourite game of all time ( thus far ) : Final Fantasy VI.  Those who have played the game will definitely want to read this.  It’s incomplete, and the storyline differs, but it’s really nice.  What’s interesting is in how the author makes everything fall to place along the way.  The twists added and the script made it a fun read. 

The next one is on School Rumble, an anime.  It’s about things happening after the school play arc. Only those who watch the anime will be familiar with all the characters and the original plot.  This is an even longer work.  The interesting part?  I can somewhat visualize the scenario while reading, and the author succeeds in including all the funny elements similar to that of the original.  He really got all the elements down right, as well as develop each characters more, despite also bringing in a more mature and serious theme.  I’ll definitely watch it if this story of his is transformed into a real animation. 

In truth, I don’t like reading stories on the PC, as it is taxing to my eyes.  Well, these two stories changed that.  For now, I can only stop once I finish them.  Feeling glad though.  It’s somewhat similar to my manga marathon, but think about it.  Looking at texts for hours on the monitor.  Yes, texts only.  Do that for hours, and a few days running.  I know some who can manage this, but generally, how many among my fwens do?

Hahahahaha.  Really, I need to get a life.  :p

Therefore, currently, my routine is : reading

Oh, and all this while, there’s this one thing that I always forget.  Only remembered it once, at most twice.  Really felt bad about it.  Sorry, I know it’s already passed where you currently are, but where I am, there’s still time.  So, happy birthday, WS. 

I hate ‘her’.  I really do.  Rating it on a scale from 1 to 10, this will be 100!!!.  That bad?  You have no idea.  Then again, I’m bad at Math, so my scale might be a little off.  Not that I’m going to mention who ’she’ is.  Anything that anyone thinks up is mere speculation.  As long as you are confident that I’m not referring to you, that’s enough.  If you are not confident, then BE CONFIDENT. 

So, what’s this about?  Hm…  Well, I hate ‘her’ for the things that ’she’ did, and for the things that ’she’ didn’t do.  Yes, things can get more specific, but really now, no point in revealing.  Currently, other than ’she’ being a girl ( obviously ), this is the most I can come up with to make it as vague as possible. 

Then, what’s the point?  I felt like writing it.  It… helps… somewhat…

The bad news : ’she’ doesn’t read blogs

The good news : ’she’ doesn’t read blogs

Whoever does read this, at least now you know it isn’t you.  :p

Been using Digi online to send free SMS.  That’s my main purpose of going to that site.  As I was somewhat free, surfed around a little, and noticed something… interesting… on checking my reload history. 

Towards the end of year 2005, I’ve reloaded RM100 every month.  Beginning 2006, it’s RM100 almost every 4 months.  Hahahaha.  Huge difference, isn’t it?  So, what are the implications?  In truth, there’s none.  Depending on the perspective, it’s merely a fact, showing that when things happen, THEY JUST HAPPEN.

‘Music Station’ has been on the Animax channel for a while now.  Seldom watch it though, as TV isn’t really my domain.  Still, the few times that I do watch it, I really like it. 

Can’t really explain my interest, but maybe it’s because of all the new songs I heard from there.  Happened a few times now, and some of those songs really remained stuck in my head.  Darn.  Kinda distracting, you know.  I’m actually in the middle of reading a manga series and this damn song keeps playing in my head.  Worse, I don’t even know it’s title.  That’s where the beauty of internet comes in.

In this one episode, Utada Hikaru was one of the singers.  Her song was easy to find.  There was another group on that particular show with her that time.  So, was hooked to the tune of that group’s song.  Can’t remember their name, what more to say the song title?  So, searched using Utada Hikaru’s name with reference to Music Station.  Found it all in about 15 minutes.  So, right now, I’m repeatedly listening to the song :-

Funky Monkey Babys - Lovin’ Life

Oh, the manga I’m currently reading is School Rumble.  REALLY, IT’S SO VERY NICE!!!  I can’t stop reading it at all.  Had to finish all the ones that I manage to get for the time being.  Still a number of issues to go.  Reminds me of my manga marathon last time. 

Well, there goes my 2-day holiday.  Hahahaha.

Sakura~~  Sakura~~  Sakura~~  :p

I’ve always accepted the fact that men may not understand women.  Some may get to know more of a certain individual, but generally, they still remain a mystery.  How much mysterious is a matter of debate. 

Here’s the tale.  At a certain time last year, a fwen of mine told me of meeting an old classmate of hers who was, at that time, working in a different country.  So, those normal questions came up, like ‘how long have they not met’, ‘what’s he doing there’, ‘does he come back often’, etc.  Nothing unusual, but I did feel suspiscious.  Won’t go into details of our conversation on this guy, but a few questions later, I’m convinced of my thoughts.  He intends to court her.  Reason?  Usually, I repeat, USUALLY, that’s what guys do.  She didn’t think so though.  After some time, however, she said I may be right.  Not much mentioned about him after that. 

And the moral of this story is… there’s none.  Based on something I’m told, I made assumptions.  I still don’t know if I was right.  MAY BE is rated a 50/50 situation.  I find it interesting though.

The second tale is fiction.  Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  Two friends, a boy and a girl, grew up together, being neighbours, and are studying in the same school and in the same class.  They go to school and return together as well.  So, one day in school, a classmate asked the girl if there’s anyone she likes.  Before she was able to reply, the boy interjected that it’s impossible, his reason being that since he knows her so well, he’ll be the first to know if she likes someone.  The girl became upset after that, and, as usual, calls the guy an idiot.  ( This manga is still ongoing :p )

There are many stories with such elements in them, especially in anime and manga.  I’ve watched and read so many of them that I just accept it as that, no more.  It’s when I experience a similar situation that I begin to understand its significance.  I can roughly understand how guys think, but with girls, it’s practically 0%.  What’s worse is that I only realized it after reading the second tale, which I mentioned earlier, despite being exposed to such scenarios countless times.  Guess I really am thick headed. 

The point of all this is… there’s this girl… whom I really want to know more of… and the rest is history.  I know her, but in a way, I don’t know much of how she thinks, despite knowing her for quite some time now.  Part of her thoughts are quite clear, and I really fear to venture further.  I can write, or type, a lot, but in conversations, I really can’t talk much. 

So, the truth is, I’m scared… scared of what she’ll do if I tell her…