Almost…
Ever experience the kind of feeling that everything is all right, and yet something feels wrong? Despite the assurance that all has been checked and double-checked, there will exist that nagging uncertainty that something isn’t as it should be. The fact that not everything is perfect is well known, but not knowing what is amiss adds a lot more unnecessary weight to that fact.
Having mentioned that, yes, I’m facing such a dilemma at the moment. As far as I know, nothing is exactly wrong. Sadly, something doesn’t seem right. The precise cause can’t be described easily, but what I can roughly make of it is that there are things that shouldn’t be. Well, that’s how I’d look at it, since I don’t have a say in most things. After all, there’s only so much one can do. Doesn’t make the insecurity go away though.
I know of this fwen who is almost perfect. Knowing her faults ( yes, it’s a girl ) doesn’t do much to diminish her strengths. Like I said, almost. Noticing her invisible determination and her inaudible resolution, I realize what never will be. I’m left to reflect what might have been, and possibly, after some time, maybe, act on what I hope would turn out to be. The key word, is ‘maybe’.
In what I do, I accept that I’m far behind a lot of people in terms of where I should be at this point of my life. Career and relationship among them, I’m aware of the brighter prospects if I’d just be bold and step out of this comfort zone. Still, always, as how things always are, nothing is for certain.
While my mind and heart were yearning for better situations, out of nowhere, a simple ‘thank you’ made me see a different side to the things that I do. This is a perspective I’m not exposed to too often, because, honestly, I’d never considered such an option. Where I see it as a loss and something people can really do without, a few saw it as a gift of some sorts, however briefly obtained.
It’s expected if people said that I’m stupid because of such sentiments, but isn’t it normal for everyone to want to feel good about themselves, about what they do? It’s true that others’ opinion may not matter much, but with their support and appreciation, doesn’t that provide the assurance and comfort that what’s done may actually be good, even if the outcome is something totally unexpected? I’d think so.
Trust that this uncertainty will remain for a while, as what needs to be done requires more time than I’d like. Still, that’s how things are. Will just have to be patient, and hope it turns out to be…
