Under a Little Umbrella

Ever experience the kind of feeling that everything is all right, and yet something feels wrong?  Despite the assurance that all has been checked and double-checked, there will exist that nagging uncertainty that something isn’t as it should be.  The fact that not everything is perfect is well known, but not knowing what is amiss adds a lot more unnecessary weight to that fact. 

Having mentioned that, yes, I’m facing such a dilemma at the moment.  As far as I know, nothing is exactly wrong.  Sadly, something doesn’t seem right.  The precise cause can’t be described easily, but what I can roughly make of it is that there are things that shouldn’t be.  Well, that’s how I’d look at it, since I don’t have a say in most things.  After all, there’s only so much one can do.  Doesn’t make the insecurity go away though. 

I know of this fwen who is almost perfect.  Knowing her faults ( yes, it’s a girl ) doesn’t do much to diminish her strengths.  Like I said, almost.  Noticing her invisible determination and her inaudible resolution, I realize what never will be.  I’m left to reflect what might have been, and possibly, after some time, maybe, act on what I hope would turn out to be.  The key word, is ‘maybe’. 

In what I do, I accept that I’m far behind a lot of people in terms of where I should be at this point of my life.  Career and relationship among them, I’m aware of the brighter prospects if I’d just be bold and step out of this comfort zone.  Still, always, as how things always are, nothing is for certain. 

While my mind and heart were yearning for better situations, out of nowhere, a simple ‘thank you’ made me see a different side to the things that I do.  This is a perspective I’m not exposed to too often, because, honestly, I’d never considered such an option.  Where I see it as a loss and something people can really do without, a few saw it as a gift of some sorts, however briefly obtained. 

It’s expected if people said that I’m stupid because of such sentiments, but isn’t it normal for everyone to want to feel good about themselves, about what they do?   It’s true that others’ opinion may not matter much, but with their support and appreciation, doesn’t that provide the assurance and comfort that what’s done may actually be good, even if the outcome is something totally unexpected?  I’d think so. 

Trust that this uncertainty will remain for a while, as what needs to be done requires more time than I’d like.  Still, that’s how things are.  Will just have to be patient, and hope it turns out to be…

Buying things that I want is something I enjoy a lot last time.  Not that it’s any different now, only, since I started working, am beginning to understand the value of things.  I don’t have financial freedom, financial problems aren’t that much either, but it is still a problem.  What I want can be ignored, reluctantly.  Issue arises in what I need. 

So, I was introduced to online shopping not too long ago.  Couldn’t find certain things where I live.  Not surprisingly, those things still exists elsewhere, either through auctions or online shops.  I signed up for all those necessary memberships to get things started.  My fwen told me I’d get addicted.  In a way, he was right. 

I’ve bought a few things.  Some are hard to find here, while some are actually new and not here yet.  OK, don’t mind spending more on the former, but I’ll admit my mistakes on the latter.  In this, patience can really save a lot, financially.  Still, what’s done is done.  Problem is, there really are certain things that can be bought here and now.  Yet, I’d rather order them online and wait for a few weeks to get them, even when the price doesn’t differ much.  Yes, I’m really that lazy to go out. 

Luckily, I don’t buy everything online.  Certain things require direct inspection before purchase.  So, looking at it in such perspective, it’s not too bad, knowing that there is always that extra option. 

It’s also that time of the year where one’s will is greatly tested, depending on the practices of each individual, of course.  Previously, I’d be going out a lot, searching for things which I hope someone would like.  Now, I surf online for things that I like.  LOL

So, what is freedom?  Well, ‘Freedom’ is the name of the protagonist Gundam in the anime series Mobile Suit Gundam SEED.  Hahaha.  Hey, it’s true.  :p

Ok, fiction aside, freedom varies for different people.  However, I find that most share the same definition, which is in terms of financial freedom.  I’ve asked a few, and their reply are more or less along this line.  Nothing peculiar about it, as that is a very realistic and understandable goal.  To have the capacity to pursue personal interests while not having to worry about other aspects in life, who wouldn’t want that?  A tough thing to achieve though, but definitely not an impossible one. 

Having said that, my definition is obviously different.  It is easier to achieve, but something most that I know won’t go for.  Well, I’m not really an outgoing person, so, small wonder that my thinking is conservative.  Still, for now, these are how things will remain. 

I have my own way of doing things, which aren’t exactly right, but what I feel are right.  When fwens need suggestions, I’ll also advise the same thing.  The reason is simple.  Everyone has the freedom to decide how they want things to turn out.  Who am I to say that everything must go how I want them to?  When there are clashes of opinions, win-win situations aren’t impossible, but there are times when some things got to give.  In such scenarios, one can only hope for the best, while also be ready to accept the worse.  It’s something I learned from a book and a song: when you open your heart for love and affection, you must also open it for tears and rejection.  It’s something I find difficult, but also something I find true. 

With the new year rapidly approaching, reflections of my current year has been filling my thoughts.  As usual, a lot has happened, and as usual, one incident saddens me deeply.  It was a result of my own doing.  Not exactly how I want things to work out, but it was a foreseeable outcome.  No complains about that.  I don’t see this sadness receding any time soon.  May just have to live with it for the rest of my life. 

Having something else that requires my immediate attention helps somewhat.  The good thing about all these other things that I need to focus on are that I enjoy doing them.  Some are troublesome and hectic.  There exist costly ones too.  Well, it is that time of the year.  So, I think that is an acceptable, if not practical, reasoning.  Also, I feel it’s the right thing to do.