歌手蔡健雅蛮出名吧。她有好几首歌我蛮喜欢的。好听的音乐加上感动的歌词，虽然是很正常，这是我个人的特选。
为什么会说到她？两年前，一个朋友给我听几首她唱的歌。虽然我的华文没那么好，有一些歌词我还听的懂。有意思的哦。但是，看到歌名已经知道我的朋友要告诉我的事实。有一首歌的歌词蛮适合那时候的情况。知道也好，我还是继续听那首歌。
两年后了。巧合的是同一个歌手有一首新歌也蛮适合我现在的情况。很伤的阿。只是，我蛮喜欢这首新歌。它会令我想起那个伤心的回忆。但是，只有时间可以解决这个问题。勉强，我也要接受这个事实。
还好吧。有得听好听的歌阿。：p
最近我总是睡不着。不懂什么原因，也不懂如何解决。结果？我病了。喉咙痛，咳嗽和发烧。再加上有一些令我伤和累的事情，简直是太残忍了吧。。。
但是，老实说，我相信答案是很简单的。只是目前我还想不到。只能当它是个考验，希望所有都能顺利的过关。
Wondering if it was because of the spirit of competition due to the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but I had a somewhat interesting dream on the eve of the closing ceremony. Basically, there was a martial arts tournament of sorts, with 2 teams of 5 people in 1-on-1 combat. Victory to the team with 3 wins. The venue was also peculiar, within a certain compound inside a supermarket.
The funny thing? I was one of the fighters, I don’t even know my teammates, I was the 3rd fighter, and my opponent was a girl. Other than her wearing black and that her weapon of choice was a chain, I don’t recall how she looks like. What I do remember was my dilemma in selecting my preferred weapon. Didn’t struck me as strange how weapons like swords and spears were neatly stacked at one corner of the store without any supervision. I did pick one after another to try them out. Still, it was certain that I was expected to lose, as like real life, I DON’T KNOW ANY MARTIAL ARTS!!! It was already weird being a contestant in the first place. Well, guess that’s normal in dreams.
My all time favourite weapon is the bo staff. The Monkey King, Robin and Gambit are among the fictional characters that I’m aware of who used them. It’s a well-balanced weapon, and most importantly, not deadly. Therefore, I had totally no idea why I ended up with a spiked-ball mace. Dangerous, and in the hands of a martial arts expert, lethal. Me? I’ll only hurt myself. Again, that’s what dreams are all about, I think.
So, I did not know the 1st 2 results, but it was already certain that I’ll have to compete. Thus, I stepped onto the battleground where my opponent stood at the other end, and I still can’t remember her face. What do I recall? The spectators were silent, knowing that I will lose, but unsure how long it will take. My teammates were nowhere to be seen. She was relaxed, with her chain wrapped around the knuckles of one of her hands ( I forgot which one ). Oh, and my heart was about to beat itself right out of my chest. The spiked-ball mace was dangling down my right hand as I looked on. Thoughts on my selected weapon were still running through my head. Closing my eyes, heaving a deep sigh, I finally dropped the weapon… and I woke up.
I wasn’t sweating from anxiety, but my heart was still beating. However, I do wonder at my actions before I woke up. If logic were to be accepted, I’d say that during those final moments, I decided to confront her bare-handed. Hahaha. Pretty daring for 1 who knows absolutely nothing about self-defense, eh? Well, once more, maybe that’s also what dreams do.
Would be nice if that could be applied to real life. To plunge into the impossible while already knowing the inevitable outcome, it may only be in dreams and fiction that such actions seem brave and heroic. In reality, difficult to find it so. Yea, I did something along that line recently. Clearly aware of the result, was I afraid? No. I was petrified. Still, it was something I had to do. Now that it’s dealt with, trust that I can now take the next step.
Finally, I’m writing again. It’s nothing much, just a simple change of routine. When there’s inspiration, might as well get on with it.
Had a story which was stalled for more than 2 years. Basically, it’s 1 story that’s divided into 3 parts. The first 2 were completed a long time ago. It’s the final that’s been delayed. Why did it take me so long? Well, things happened ( which isn’t really a good excuse ), and I didn’t have the motivation. So, after that much time, including some opinions from a few friends, the idea came to me out of the blue. Well, to begin with, I roughly had the elements I wanted. Only, I hadn’t the slightest clue on how to incorporate them to my tale. Visualizing them were easy. The hard part was to put them into words. Still, once all the things were in place, I just had to complete it as soon as I can. It would be further delayed should I have second thoughts.
Similar to my previous works, my latest was inspired in part by an anime, a movie and a comic book. Again, it really isn’t much, but I’m happy with it. Having spent so much time on thinking of how to end it, it felt good to be able to conclude it at last.
Well, there’s nothing special about it though, just a typical love story. However, it’s MY work of fiction. There are certain errors as well, but I’m not perfect. Definitely something I enjoy doing, but many aren’t aware of that. Not exactly something to be proud of, but it’s still a hobby. So, just a minor change to the things I usually do, which will continue to rotate every once in a while.
Sometime back, I mentioned about hating someone, a girl in particular. Well, guess what? I don’t hate her anymore. Now, I DESPISE her. Hahahahaha. Wait… to my understanding, ‘despise’ is of a higher degree compared to hate. Anyway, in simple words, just want to state that the hatred has gone deeper. :p
Won’t reveal what happened, also won’t say when it happened. Just, it’s in the past, which led me to this point in time. Nothing much I can do about it, and trust that such venting through this blog won’t help much either. Still, it is a favourable option compared to some of those which, could do a lot more damage.
In a sense, rage is a dangerous thing. Uncontrolled emotions may lead to dire consequences. Hahahahaha. Luckily, my situation isn’t that serious. However, I’ll admit that there were times when I was angry enough that I felt like doing something bad about it, like hurting those particular people, physically or emotionally. It may be simple actions like raising my voice or lashing out, but who can predict the outcome of such things? The scars that result may remain for a very long time.
Honestly, I’m burning right now. Imagine the heat in a microwave, with the microwave trapped in a burning BBQ pit, which is slowly sinking into the molten lava of an active volcano, which is located at the center of a planet, which is being consumed by the sun. Hard to imagine, right? Hahahahaha. Therefore, can’t really describe in detail my anger and hatred for this individual, but I do know that I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Can’t clearly recall ever despising someone that much. Still, I may not be able to control my emotions, but at least I can control my actions. It may not be the best of ways, but thus far, not much damage has been done, except maybe to my sanity. :p
Some know about my ‘temptation’ mantra. Well, I also have a ‘patient’ mantra. The former was more practiced a few years back. The latter however, has been occupying my time a lot recently. I often mentioned of how there’s only so much one can do. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do more. Perhaps a little bit of subtlelty may help. What’s obvious is that the key right now is ‘patience’.
I’ve lost something important because of small things
Everyone’s wishes can’t be granted at once
The rain will wash away the pains of the day
I leave behind my heart in the days that won’t return
The wish I can’t tell
To say words I resist
When this pain consumes my heart
Are the memories I hold still valid?
I was looking at nothing but the sky
The sound of that day is echoing
Because I have tomorrow
I’ll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again
Do you remember what you said to me?
The answer to the question
The answer no one knows
No, I don’t think life is quite that simple
Same old days, same old ways
There’s so much more to life than pretending
I had a dream that I could fly
Possibilities are endless
The name I happened to call out in my dream
The days are gone and will never come back
Take another look from the other side
And embrace the winds of change
2 months ago, I was surprised at how things were proceeding smoothly for me. Well, pebbles & streams aside, I’ve been going through mountains & valleys since then. Yes, I’m exaggerating, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going through a hell of a time, in my own sense, that is. Sure, I still have time for my hobbies every day, but those unseen strains & tensions inside can never be underestimated. Add to that some disappointments, false hopse, heartaches, losses & unignorable concerns, & my break not that long ago seemed to be taken at the right time. Enjoy first, suffer later, right?
So, what if it’s only March? When things happen, THEY JUST HAPPEN. Doesn’t matter whether I want them to. Meeting a number of old fwens after some time helps distract me some what, which is good, in a way. Realizing others’ problems makes me feel a little better about my life. Still, when reality sets in for me to return to my own issues, damn if they’d be any easier to handle compared to before.
Saw something that I wanted that day, but that’s the problem. It was something I WANT, not something I NEED. Not really a rare item, but more of a hard to find one in M’sia. That said, to be able to find it in Kch is even more surprising. Still, the ‘WANT’ and ‘NEED’ comes into play. Personally, I hate it, but since Gold Coast, my perspective has changed on certain things. I’m aware that it’s a good thing, but I repeat, I STILL HATE IT. Meaning, what I want is not important at the moment. Trust that I’ll come to regret it eventually. If that’s how it is, then so be it. As I mentioned before, there’s only so much one can do.
Thus far, the year has been tough. The funny thing is, a fwen whom I met recently said that I do not reflect so. Maybe it’s ‘cos I’m a good actor. Not THAT good, but good enough. The truth? It really is tough. Something happened, something sad, something everyone can relate to, sooner or later. It took less than 3 seconds, but the memory will remain beyond 3 years.
Recently back from my fellowship annual trip. Yea, managed to get together with this particular group of fwens at least once a year since graduation, to go on a holiday somewhere. Unfortunately, not all are able to join in on these trips every time. Still, will have to adapt.
So, what of this latest trip? Gold Coast, Australia. Lucky that one of us is working there, accommodation wasn’t much of a problem. With the introduction of Air Asia X, flight ticket rates became acceptable. Not much consideration needed after that. There were issues regarding the duration of our holiday. Everyone is working, after all. It’s not common to have a 2-week holiday under normal circumstances. Still, we each managed that, and the rest is history.
And then, the holiday ended. LOL. Fast, eh? Well, isn’t that how things always are? Went to places I didn’t expect to go, did things I’d never thought I’d do, enjoyed doing certain things which I’ve not done for a long time. That’s the thing about this bunch. We’re all grown up in a certain sense. Doesn’t mean our inner child is gone though.
The result? I got sunburnt, and lost 3kg in the process. LOL Spent a lot too. What did I buy? BOOKS!!! It’s their year end sale, and it’s really cheap, Should have bought some clothes, but didn’t feel like it. Bought a new pair of walking shoes, a new bag, a sweater, and some souvenirs for some people. Overweight by 10kg. LOL Somewhat expected though. The main thing is that I had fun. Not much rest, but that’s what comes with holiday. 
Truly, I enjoy such trips with the fellowship. Hectic, challenging, painful even, when it’s all over, I’ll smile and laugh looking at all the photos. However brief those moments are, it may be only once that all of us may be together at that 1 certain place where we are usually unlikely to go to. If the opportunity presented itself, why not, right?
Before I left, made a few online orders. Due to the X’mas and New Year holiday, wasn’t surprised that things arrive a little late than usual. What’s important is that they are received in good condition. And with that, expenditure on the things that I want will have to be put on hold. Hate to admit it. Financial situation isn’t that good at the moment. Added commitments don’t help much, but in the long run, it’s for the best. So, will just have to be patient and take things as they come.
Am still living life by the day. A little surprise that things are proceeding smoothly so far. Not expecting too much though. Some things will have to change. For better or worse is really a subjective matter, but the change is still necessary.
What’s definite for now is that I can’t look too far ahead. Don’t want to overlook the small pebble that may be just right in front of me. Future concerns are what they are, future concerns. So, not today…
Ever experience the kind of feeling that everything is all right, and yet something feels wrong? Despite the assurance that all has been checked and double-checked, there will exist that nagging uncertainty that something isn’t as it should be. The fact that not everything is perfect is well known, but not knowing what is amiss adds a lot more unnecessary weight to that fact.
Having mentioned that, yes, I’m facing such a dilemma at the moment. As far as I know, nothing is exactly wrong. Sadly, something doesn’t seem right. The precise cause can’t be described easily, but what I can roughly make of it is that there are things that shouldn’t be. Well, that’s how I’d look at it, since I don’t have a say in most things. After all, there’s only so much one can do. Doesn’t make the insecurity go away though.
I know of this fwen who is almost perfect. Knowing her faults ( yes, it’s a girl ) doesn’t do much to diminish her strengths. Like I said, almost. Noticing her invisible determination and her inaudible resolution, I realize what never will be. I’m left to reflect what might have been, and possibly, after some time, maybe, act on what I hope would turn out to be. The key word, is ‘maybe’.
In what I do, I accept that I’m far behind a lot of people in terms of where I should be at this point of my life. Career and relationship among them, I’m aware of the brighter prospects if I’d just be bold and step out of this comfort zone. Still, always, as how things always are, nothing is for certain.
While my mind and heart were yearning for better situations, out of nowhere, a simple ‘thank you’ made me see a different side to the things that I do. This is a perspective I’m not exposed to too often, because, honestly, I’d never considered such an option. Where I see it as a loss and something people can really do without, a few saw it as a gift of some sorts, however briefly obtained.
It’s expected if people said that I’m stupid because of such sentiments, but isn’t it normal for everyone to want to feel good about themselves, about what they do? It’s true that others’ opinion may not matter much, but with their support and appreciation, doesn’t that provide the assurance and comfort that what’s done may actually be good, even if the outcome is something totally unexpected? I’d think so.
Trust that this uncertainty will remain for a while, as what needs to be done requires more time than I’d like. Still, that’s how things are. Will just have to be patient, and hope it turns out to be…
